Raising mindful children

Start with intention. 

When doing things for and with your children, start with why. What’s the point of homework? If you see it as one more thing you have to check off a long list, you will approach it very differently than if you see it as a time to bond with your children and glimpse their learning process. For example, when your son heads to the soccer field or your daughter goes to ballet, remember that you started these activities for joy and for exercise. This allows you to stay out of the potential role of task master where you may encourage them to attain and achieve rather than to have fun and do their best. Practice having an intention to accompany every action.

Stay present. 

It’s easy to allow worry to take you away from the present. When you get a call from the school telling you your 5-year-old child has a reading delay and requires some extra testing, it’s so easy to imagine a future where they struggle in school and face frustration in the work world. They are 5 today. Deal with how this affects today. Not imagining the worst helps you be more effective at dealing with today. Worrying is like paying interest on a loan you haven’t been approved for.

Encourage communication about feelings. 

Communicating your feelings helps you and your family work as a cohesive unit. We are all wired differently so when things go wrong, we sometimes assume that everyone has the same reactions and beliefs. For example, my son has a messy room. Many of my friends have asked me why I don’t just “make him clean it up.” Years ago when I tried to bribe or force him it just led to him shutting down. When I ask him, “Why is your room messy?” I would have expected him to answer that he didn’t want to clean it but he what he explained to me is that when his room is all neat, he feels stressed out. He feels calmer when there’s a bit of chaos. I told him that mess for me causes a sense of disorganization and it can be a source of stress. Our compromise: I am fine with his chaos as long as it is clean chaos and if I have company coming he has to keep his door closed. Communication about why his room is the way it is and how I feel when I see a messy room led to us understanding one another better.

Listen. 

When you talk with your children about their day it is often either a one-sided, probing conversation that is initiated by you and creates one-worded responses, or a long drawn-out story that the child initiates and you barely focus on as you cook dinner or drive to the next activity. Focus on opportunities to actively listen to your child. This means waiting to speak instead of directing the conversation where you think it should go.

Admit your mistakes.

Parents seem to think they have to be perfect. We get frustrated when we don’t know what we should do and yet our children didn’t come with a manual. Sometimes we make a choice that in hindsight isn’t really aligned with how we want to parent (like snapping). It’s important to show children that we learn from mistakes so when they make one, they learn too. There is nothing wrong with pointing out that you made a mistake (you are sorry I snapped at you. That’s not the way I want to talk to you”) and then trying again ( taken some deep breaths. This helps me to be calm. Could you please explain to my why you drew on the wall with a Sharpie?”).

Raising Mindful Children

Parents today want so much for their children that there is danger of over-programmed children who control the home. The following are some important values to consider teaching and modeling for your children:

Love yourself

Be resilient

Strive to do your best

Happiness comes from within

Have compassion

Foster connection

Feed your body and mind healthy things

Mindful practices that parents and children can do together to foster these values are:

Deep breathing. 

Teaching kids that three rounds of slow inhalation/exhalation can calm the fight or flight response will help them to feel in control of emotions rather than feeling that their emotions control them.

Practicing gratitude.

 Making a point of talking about things you are grateful for helps everyone in the family to increase well-being by starting each dinner by listing the best moment of the day and something you are grateful for.

Meditation. 

Even parents who have their own meditation practice don’t always think to get their children meditating, the beauty of meditation is that everything comes from within, but ‘within’ means different things at different ages.” Be aware that children can probably sit for about as long as they are old, so a 7-year-old might start with seven minutes. Remember that everyone is different so let your child find what works for them. Model it, but don’t force it.

A mindful family works together as a team. As a parent you are guiding the team but not controlling outcome. Prioritize joy and celebrate learning. This will allow the experience to feel easier for the entire family.

Pushing Your Limitations

To get what we want in life we have to know what it is, yes? That’s the easy part—it only seems difficult sometimes if we feel guilty about wanting what we want or scared of what others might think. Once you get over stuff like that, knowing what you want isn’t that hard. Among the many things we all want in life, more money tends to be in the Top 5.

Money makes life a little easier, at least financially. You can do more things with more money. That leads to another connected want on most everyone’s list—greater happiness, which includes less stress about financial security, more personal time, more freedom, greater joy.

These are things that lots of people say they want, but most people aren’t financially secure and barely get by while working jobs. This job might be “more money” than they were making before, but is that the road to financial freedom or simply retirement, and how long will it take to get there playing the money game like we were taught? And is that a joyful way to live?

That second key to getting what we want in life is the “Why”: why do you want what you say you want? Does it really mean something to you? Is that someone else’s imposed thoughts echoing in your head or your own, from your spirit? I always wanted to be free.

I love doing what I do, but the worst thing I could think of is being forced to do this. I wouldn’t love it anymore. People just don’t like to be forced to do things. You want to do it from choice. That choice has to be backed by reasons that are honest, true and excite you to your core, like a kid who can’t stop jumping up and down and clapping in anticipation of pure joy.

In my experience working with thousands of people, more than 50% of the people that do this one simple action doubled, tripled or even quadrupled their income within a year: Write down want you want.

It must be clear and it must be absolutely important to you. Write at least five reasons why you want what you want, especially in terms of wanting more money. Put that sheet of paper on a wall you can’t avoid. You want to see miracles in action? Do this!

It’s unbelievable, but you have to do your part, and it starts with putting it right up there front and center in your consciousness.

The only thing stopping you from reaching your goals and dreams is you. Seriously. How far you get in the journey towards realizing your dreams is how far you can get past your self-imposed limits you've placed in your life. It’s only when you meet your limits, feel the resistance, and push past them, do you get what you really want. So how do you do that? Here's seven things you can do.

1. Find someone to help push you

Just that little bit of support encouraging you to keep going in the face of resistance can mean so much. Having someone on your side can counter-balance any negative thinking you might have. They can tell you to do more and push you into doing things outside of your comfort zone.

2. Take on a little more than you think you can

Pushing past your limits means taking on newer, progressively harder challenges. If you’re not challenging yourself to do bigger and better things on a regular basis, you’re only working within the confines of what you already can do. That’s a sure-fire way to stay exactly where you are and make little to no progress.

3. Imagine reaching your next level

Working on your dreams or goals can take a lot of focus. Where you put that focus matters a lot. You might know where you are and where you were, but do you know where you need to go? Imagine that next level for reaching your dreams and take steps to get there.

4. Look at how others reached where you want to go

Whatever your goals are, there are probably others who have had them and succeeded in reaching them. Look to them for clues on what they did to push past their limits on their way to success. You’ll probably find a lot of great information from examining the path they took and copy what they did

5. Inspire yourself to action

Find something that inspires you to reach your goals. Whether it is a video, quote or thought that inspires you to succeed, it should be something that fills you with passion and drive to get things done. Inspiration can be a powerful motivational tool.

6. Don’t stop until exhaustion

Push yourself so hard that you reach exhaustion. Each time I work out, I try to lift with more weight. I’ve worked on this blog for endless hours to get the HTML formatting and design just the way I want them to be. These tasks exhausted me, but they were completely necessary for me to reach my goals.

7. Work on your weaknesses

Where there are weaknesses, there are limits. Think about a marathon runner. They won’t be able to train very well for a marathon if they can’t find a good running stride or have bad nutrition. These are big areas of weakness that just makes training harder. Without correction, your weaknesses will limit how far you can take yourself.

Breaking Down Your Barriers

In order to reach your dreams or goals, you need to push through your limits and past your comfort zone. There are no shortcuts. Whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. That’s been my personal motto for success in life. It’s my way of reminding me to constantly push myself and not settle for average. When you’re facing your limits and you feel that resistance, it can seem hard to overcome. But just by pushing yourself a little harder, you can really accomplish some great things. And the funny thing is that once you do, you can look back and wonder just why you ever thought it was that difficult to begin with. Don’t let limits stop you from doing anything. 

6 Core Needs To Lasting Self Motivation six core needs are:

1. Certainty

We all want to feel safe, in control, certain of ourselves or of our environment. The more certainty we seek the less risks we take, so the less growth we experience, so the more unhappy and uncertain and fearful we become.

The more certainty we experience within, and the less certainty we need in our environment, the

more growth we'll be willing to experience, the more we'll seek to learn and discover, so the greater our sense of self worth.

We all need certainty in our lives - how we get that certainty - through controlling others or through

believing in ourselves - determines the quality of our lives.

The more we think our environment has to change for us to feel certain, the less quality of life we

have. The more we take responsibility for our own sense of certainty, the greater our feelings of self

worth and thus how we feel about our lives.

Our ability to handle uncertainty around us is directly equal to how much success we experience in

our careers. The more uncertainty we can deal with, and still move forwards, the better leader,managers and parents we become.

2. Variety

The flip side of the coin is our need for variety or adventure. So whilst we need some level of certainty to function, we also need some level of variety to make life more interesting.

If things are too predictable for too long we lose interest and get bored, so we'll spice things up to feel variety. How we do this tells us a lot about the quality of our lives.

If things are cruising along, for example, in a relationship, and we're 'settled', do we stir things up by picking a fight? Or do we stir things up by doing something spontaneous and romantic?

Both create variety, but the first response is going to create a lower quality of life and the second choice can improve our quality of life. One response is functional and resourceful. One response is unresourceful.

Some people don't want too much variety, and if they get it they retreat and close down and become ineffective. Some people respond to too much variety by becoming a 'control freak' to get things back under control. Some people run away. Some people relish the uncertainty and become even more resourceful.

The more variety (uncertainty) and unpredictability you can enjoy, the more success you'll have.

Some people don't want a lot of uncertainty, and are content with cruising along in a middle level role, repeating many tasks over and over, for years.

These people need less variety and are perfect for that role. Some people would go nuts in a role like that and need more adventure and variety.

3. Significance

This one is interesting. The need for significance can be met through our egos, which is tiresome and grating on others.

The need for significance can be met through service to others and giving. It can be met through doing something that you are proud of, through blaming someone, through yelling...

There are lots of ways to meet this need, some harmful and some helpful. If you blame others for your mess, you're meeting your need for significance. If you take responsibility for the mess, you're meeting your need for significance.

Both accomplish meeting the need, it's just one way is unresourceful and one way is resourceful. One way will mess you up more. One way will propel you forward. Either way, the need is being met.

You can meet your need for significance through being a leader, inventing stuff, solving problems, serving others, facing challenges... And you can meet it through blaming others, saying it 'can't be done', yelling at someone and sulking.

4. Connection/love

We all need to feel connected in some way. We may get this need met through a relationship, through meditation, exercise, hiking, praying, jogging, writing, talking...

And we could get it through smoking, drinking, arguing... We WILL get this need met, and as with the other needs, it will either be in a way that is resourceful or unresourceful.

5. Growth

These final two needs are optional, unfortunately. And here's the thing - these last two needs determine your level of happiness.

If we grow, we feel good about ourselves, our self worth goes up, our confidence builds, we feel more certainty, we're experiencing more variety, we're feeling good (significant)...

If we're not growing, we feel we're shrinking, and we could feel we're 'in a rut'.

We all need to grow in some way. If someone isn't feeling that great about themselves, it could be because they've been avoiding doing the things that could lead to them learning and growing...

6. Contribution

This final need is another pathway to happiness (I guess this is why I love coaching). We get to give to others beyond ourselves, which seems to cause our own problems to fade!

Contribution combined with growing personally and professionally are sure fire ways to feel great about YOU.

And this is where it gets REALLY interesting - if ANY behaviour meets three of your needs, you become addicted to that behaviour. You will KEEP doing it, even if it hurts you, because it's meeting your needs.

If you complain about other people (significance), avoid taking responsibility (certainty), get overly emotional about problems (connection) - you're going to meet three needs. You WILL become addicted to that pattern of behaviour unless you become aware of how it's meeting your needs and then find an alternative behaviour that will meet those three needs in a more resourceful and functional way.

We get addicted to behaviour because it meets needs. We give up behaviours if it no longer meets our needs. If someone loves gossip (variety, connection, significance) and the person you care about doesn't, you won't do it, because they won't meet your needs for variety, significance and connection with their discouraging response.

If you love leading others (certainty of self, variety, significance, connection) and taking responsibility for results (certainty of self, variety, significance) you'll keep leading.

If you love your family (all needs) you'll keep giving to your family. And here's where it gets interesting - our responsibility is to meet our needs in as sustainable and resourceful way as possible.